Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
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The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?