Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
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*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question