Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
You Might Also Like
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
I don’t think my car can fly
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?