Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
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Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st