[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
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I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
at ease…shoulder.
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not