It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
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I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
how to have fun when you’re poor
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.