Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
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I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
Smooooooth
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.