Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
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oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
Always a housemaid, never a house.
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
is this a threat