Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
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ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?