Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
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Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”