if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
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They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself