*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
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After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
United Steaks of America
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.