11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
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Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious