[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
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20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women