It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
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Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
Wise advice
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
Bruh PLEASE
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*