I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
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The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
me: can you turn into this mcdonald’s
my uber, bumblebee: i can only do robot
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
Brands during Pride
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?