There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
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FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
Saving my good tweets for marriage
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now