[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
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[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
choose your gary
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night