Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
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‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.