I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
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Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
Now this is how you LinkedIn
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.