Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
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i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
catch me on valentine’s day like
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.