Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
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It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
Banking tips
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.