“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
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My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
Bro what is this
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
lumberjacks will cut a birch
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.