romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
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*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
the saddest jazz hands ever
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit