SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
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My mother’s maiden name is Password.
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
Put my back out twerking in the library again
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport