11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
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Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
I only say stupid things when I talk.
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”