Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
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My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*