Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
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My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
The sacred texts.
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…