the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
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Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!