Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
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The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.