It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
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Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
The only equipped I am is ill.
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush