Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
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gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
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I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
Have kids, they said
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
Who called it baking and not making love
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.