I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
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date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
At least he brought enough for everyone
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
August 8