[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
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Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
*bites zombie*
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me: