My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
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Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
Just parrot things
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
reviewed some movies recently
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
When you take Google Maps too seriously.