“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
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HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
U talkin 2 me?
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
you know what ruined my childhood? children
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
This kinda thing happens to me often
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”