I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
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*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
Inside you there are two wolves
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right