i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
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ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
Punctuation Matters. Period.
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.