[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
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you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it