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[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.