I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
You Might Also Like
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.