[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
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My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
black phone good
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon