Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
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Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
gm
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?