I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
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ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
The pasta is now
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!