Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
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sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.