That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
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I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.