An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
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*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
#parenting
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task