Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
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I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…