Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
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The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
Chemical wingman
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage