me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
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I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them